25 juin, 2009

Because the « More than meets the eye » rule also applies to awful movies.



Reality just stroked me this afternoon; this June is a horrible month for movies. The only good film that came out in this window was The Hangover, and it was released the first Friday. I managed to avoid Year One, I managed to avoid À vos marques… Party! 2, and while I will have to see them eventually for end-of-the-year retrospectives, I decided to finally take a bullet and watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in theatres. I decided to sacrifice eight bucks of my own money (okay, it wasn’t my money) and return to tell you guys how it was. And boy, this will be a long review because there was just so much wrong in it. Even for a Michael Bay film.

But before I start my rant on the sequel, it would be a good idea to tell you what I think about the first in the series since the only review that I wrote about the film and that’s available in the internet is no more my view. Yes, Transformers was enjoyable for me… the first time around. My second watching, after I sadly bought the DVD, revealed to me all of the stupid, awkward and awful stuff there was.

“C’est une criminelle. Une criminelle chekchy.” WHAT?! Ah screw it.

I never really enjoyed Transformers as an action movie after that, only laughing at it. I still have the disc, and I should pretty much sell it in a flea market with others in my… embarrassing DVD collection (My Blu-Ray one is fucking awesome), and that’s all there is to say. This movie is forgettable for me. And now, it’s time for our feature presentation.

The film starts off in ancient times where a group of people are hunting for food. What does this have to do with the story? Well if you just go up the hill, boom, giant robots stomping the shit out of cavemen. But the actual story of the movie is the Autobots trying to stop the Decepticons from bringing their true leader to Earth, called The Fallen, and destroying this entire civilization. And that’s it… because this movie has no plot whatsoever, and what they give us doesn’t make any fucking sense. They just make this shit up as they go along and they have no clear direction. So why did The Fallen come years ago? Uh… because of… uh… the Matrix built millenniums ago. Oh of course! But hey, we must remember that we’re in the world of Michael Bay. Where boobs are everywhere, nerds and intelligent people are annoying (then again, everyone in this fucking movie was annoying) and shit blows up, a lot. Does that mean the absence of plot is okay? Absolutely not. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a gigantic mess, even when it’s applied to dumb action movies standards.

One good reason for that would be its total lack of continuity to its own universe. I’m not just talking about the absence of characters and plot elements of the first Transformers, we literality lose from our sight important characters through out the entire movie. Robots from the first film like Jazz and Ratchet are completely forgotten, we never hear anything about those two. Optimus Prime is here at the beginning, sure, but after he gets beaten the crap out of him we lose him for an hour. Bumblebee might be here for the whole ride, but for some reason he can’t talk anymore. If I remember right, he did get permission to talk at the end of the first movie. And then you see the new robots… Oh God. I think the case of Skids and Mudflaps would be enough to prove my point. These two stupid robots talk in old rap slang, do fist bumps every chance they get, and one of them even has a fucking gold tooth. You know Jar Jar Binks, that racist creature from Star Wars: Episode I, well in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, imagine he’s even worse than usual and he got cloned! And guess what; you’re gonna have to endure those two fuckers for most of the movie’s length. Michael Bay said he did this to add some personality to them, but honest I think he just add insult to injury. And while we have a lot more robots in the mix, the director doesn’t know what to do with them. We do not learn anything about them and at some point, they disappear from the script to just come back in the final fight. By the way, I watched documentaries in the Transformers DVD and they said they wanted to put a girl robot in the film. So for the new one, they decided to put three of them. While they’re at it, they project sexy girls driving those all over the city. Yet, they do not talk at all. There was this one scene where one of the female transformers tells our main characters “Come on, Optimus Prime is way over there.”, and then she gets shot!

Coming back to Skids and Mudflaps, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has incredibly immature and juvenile humour all over the place, ranging from dogs having sex, Sam’s mother acting like she’s on drugs (actually she was on drugs) to Transformers crying, farting and doing gross stuff. They even pu- THEY PUT TESTICULES ON A FUCKING TRANSFORMER! They have this giant robot called Devastator, a 46 foot tall dude composed of like, 7 different vehicles, and he has those two gigantic balls made of two demolition balls. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! The scenario is also full of stereotypes. There’s this scene where Sam Witwicky’s parents are in Paris and then a mime shows up. Get it? Mimes, Paris, France… okay it’s not funny. But really, when one of the characters from the last movie decided to rips him pants off, I gave up. Fuck this movie.

Not to mention that this movie just rips off a whole bunch of other movies in such a way it becomes stupid. Remember that movie Species where a hot chick was actually a killer alien? We have that. Remember that movie Terminator 3 where another girl just shot everything to kill John Connor? We have that. Remember that movie The Matrix where Keanu Reeves gets a metallic bug into its body? We have that. Remember that movie X-Men where Magneto lifted a bunch a cars into the air and then threw them on the ground? We have that too! Reme- Oh fuck it. You understand. If there was only one other thing I could say about this issue, it’s that they even steal a scene directly from Transformers. Apparently, the action scene in the middle of the desert was SO cool that they had to remake it here. Only this time, it’s the final battle.

And why in the holy mother of fuck does this movie have to be 2 hours and 30 minutes long? Especially when we already established that we have no plot. That’s right; 150 minutes of nothingness and racist robots. I even felt bored after an hour and a half since there wasn’t much action going on at this point.

The acting in this movie is, well, not very existent. Shia Laboeuf is the same as the first film, only instead of saying “Nonononono!” everytime, he just shouts “BUMBLEBEE!” and “OPTIMUS!” and “BUMBLEBEE!” and Megan Fox is… hot, but that’s all there is. There are other human characters in this movie but we just never care about them. Now we should propably talk about Peter Cullen and Hugo Weaving, but remember: Optimus Prime gets wiped out for an hour, and Megatron is not even the main villain. Instead we get two racist robots talking, talking, talking and they managed to make Starscream more of an annoying asshole than in the original series.

“I’m stupid, I’m stupid!”

But hey, I know some of you are still wondering what’s good about it. After all, there should be something worth mentioning in that department. So if there anything positive I have to say? Yes there is. The special effects were pretty good and the action scenes would be pretty descent if we could see what the fuck is going on. Oh sure, we get some moments in slow-motion with a clear shot, but the second we return to normal speed we already lose track. And is it me of they used the song “21 Guns” 3 times in the first 30 minutes?

Maybe you would consider those last complaints to be kind of a nitpick, and while I have nothing against that, please know that I didn’t write such a long review just to be funny or proud of myself. I truly wasted 8 dollars (from somebody else’s pocket) and 2 hours and a half to finally do what I do best: write reviews. I received the warning from a number of people and I still forced myself to go see this awful mess of a movie that is Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. The humour, the action, the plot and the characters… or should I say the absence of said-plot and characters really made this one a truly horrible experience. You might see it anyway, but prepare yourself for a dumber than dumb movie. At least I have my Blu-Ray collection to redeem myself.


(Vincent Émond)

Michael Jackson

1958 – 2009

If you want to talk or debate about my review or this movie, please comment.

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